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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 13, 2012 7:00pm-7:30pm PST

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nation was dealt yet another blow. >> out of nowhere cia director david petraeus resigned after admitting he cheated on his wife. the other woman the person who wrote his biography, paula broadwell. >> stephen: their, he had an affair with his biographer, all-in, it appears-- it a pores that the title of chapter five anaconda-- (laughter) >> stephen: may not refer to a ground offense any afghanistan. whole different type of surge. (laughter) well, folks, this explosive revelation puts every biographer and subject under suspicion. meaning we can now say with some certainty that dora concerns goodwin banged abraham lincoln. i mean just listen-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: just listen to what she said on my show last week. >> it's sexy, don't you think?
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>> stephen: you mean lincoln or daniel-day lewis. was lincoln sexy? >> i think so and i've been saying it for years but everybody thought i was crazy. >> stephen: you pulitzer prize winning whore! (laughter) once again, my apologies to doris kerns goodwin, she is a great lady, no one should ever say that about her. (laughter) but folks, i too have a painful admission to make. you see, i am the author of two glowing books about myself. i am america, and so you can. and the new america again, rebecome the greatness we never weren't. it's a best-seller. makes a great christmas gift. (applause) >> stephen: and folks, it's time for me to come clean. i had an improper relationship with my biographer-- (laughter) spent a lot of time alone with the author of these booksment theres with a connection and let's just
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say he got a little handsy. and i did thinks-- things i never thought i would do. but have been doing for decades. (laughter) i'm sorry. now folks, even i can sometimes get a story wrong. for example last week i said the three branches of government were executive, judicial and santa maria. it, in fact, shemp. (laughter) now i also said that super pac would be 9 deciding factor in the 2012 election. i might have even founded one, colbert super pac. i don't know if you remember our motto, making a better tomorrow -- >> tomorrow! >> stephen: wow, i'm surprised. i didn't really make that big of a deal of it. (laughter) you see me and everybody else who had a super pac thought we were playas. well, turned out we were scrubbed. jim? >> you had the super pacs spending literally billions
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of dollars, billions of dollars to defeat the president while the president was re-elected. >> seems like people like karl rove and others who took a lot of money for the super pacs -- >> rove was in denial but you can understand why. his american crossroa crossroads-- according to some foundation just 1.29% of that money went to candidates who actually won. 1.29%. >> you know some of the guys that he took money from are casino owners. they know guy with flat knowses and brass knuckles who going to want to be known what happened with the money. >> stephen: karl's in big trouble. (laughter) they're going to take his thumbs and karl is almost all thumbs. (laughter) (applause) nation-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: and nation, i took a lot of money for my super pacment and my 501 c 4
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colbert super pac shh which stands for shh. money from some anonymous scary donors. that's not pixel ated, that's his face. and folks i'm scared. i think i was followed to the studio tonight. and i personally don't knows what's going to-- what was that? oh my god, they're trying to kill me. how did they find out i work at the colbert report? (laughter) listen, fellas, i didn't waste your money. running a super pac is expensive. we have legitimate cost. we had handling costs and legal fees. and the biggest expense, almost $90,000 of it was for the commercials the super pac ran while i was kinda sorta running for president of south carolina. i wasn't even charging the super pac then. jon stewart was. this is the guy you want, not me! (cheers and applause)
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>> jon: you son of a pitch! you're not pinning this on me, brother. >> stephen: i'm not take the fall, jon. you had control of the super pac. >> jon: for a week! >> stephen: you bought a zeppelin. >> it's a very important meetings downwind. i was just following your orders! >> stephen: in a noncoordinated way. >> jon: yes, of course, noncoordinated, completely. >> stephen: well now they're going to kill one of us, jon. >> jon: they want a head on a platter! >> stephen: wait. a head on a platter? (laughter) then let's give them-- . >> jon: the ham. >> stephen: yes. ham rove. (cheers and applause) the trusted and salted advisor. >> jon: what are you waiting for, kill him! >> stephen: why don't you do it? >> jon: i can't do it, it's not kosher.
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(laughter) (applause) >> stephen: fine, fine. i'm sorry, ham rove. one of us is dead meat and you already are. gah, gah, gah! gah, gah! gah! >> jon: i was never here! (cheers and applause) oh, these hands, oh these hands are coming covered in ham juice. oh my god, oh my god i need a lawyer. please welcome former fcc chairman general counsel for the mccain 2008 campaign and my personal lawyer trevor potter, trevor, thank you so much for coming. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: trevor, trevor, trevor. first of all, first of all, trevor, i just killed my
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chief strategist. can you get me off? >> as far as i know it's not illegal to stab a ham. (laughter) >> stephen: welcome to obama's america. (laughter) all right, trevor, trevor, i'm scared, okay. i've got a super pac and a f 01 c 4 colbert super pac shh. and i took money from some scary guys. and i just want out of the game. he want to get out of the super pac business. i can close down my super pac. >> sure, you can do that. >> stephen: okay, but i've got a lot of money in there, almost $800,000. i would like to keep that money. what can i do with it? >> well, you can use it for any legal purpose. you could even write yourself a check for that whole amount. >> stephen: i like that. >> the only problem is that everyone will know because if you report that on the fec report for the super pac. >> stephen: but that's no fun at all. the whole point of having a super pac is secret money, using it anyway you want, trevor. is there any way, and i know is crazy, these might be the mad ramblings of a sieve
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litic brain. but hear me out, can i somehow give the money to myself and thereby hide it forever from all eyes and use it in a way that i wish? >> actually, you can. >> stephen: i knew it. okay wa, do we have to do? what-- what do we got to do? >> well, you know your 501 c 4. >> stephen: colbert super pac shh. >> is the secret money. >> stephen: okay. >> so we are want to you transfer the money from your super pac over to your 501 c-had and what we'll do is what the tax lawyers call an agency letter which simply means you write a letter that tells the c-4 exactly what to do with the money. and if you do that, the irs doesn't consider it to have been the c-4's money. and it doesn't end up on the tax return. >> stephen: it goes from my super pac into a 501 c 4 reasons right, now since everyone knows the name of your c-4. what we thought it would be bet per if we created a whole new anonymous c-4 so
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that the first one transfers the money to the second one, and the second one which you will also run then disperses it. that way we're sure nobody can trace it. >> stephen: so i write a check from my super pac to my 501 c 4 to my second secret 501 c 4 and because i sent a letter along the way saying here is what i want you two guys do it neither i nor me nor me is responsible for what happens with the money. >> that's right. >> stephen: i love america. (laughter) (cheers and applause) so let me see if i can make clear what's happening. i have got a 501 c 4 called sol better super pac shh. i take the money from the super pac, a pass it through the 501 c-4. (laughter) into a second unnamed 501 c-4. i place all the money inside
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that second unnamed 501 c-4 and through the magic of your lawyering and the present federal tax code, after i close it and lock it that money is gone forever and no one ever knows what happened to it? >> you'll know but nobody else will. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, trevor what about the irs. don't they get to know everything? >> well, the nice thing about the agency letter is the legal fiction here is that the c-4 never received the money and never spent it. so your new secret nameless c-4 will send a postcard to the irs with its tax return on it. >> stephen: but there is no money indicated on this. >> that's right there are no numbers because it never had any money even though it
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went right through it. >> stephen: so what do i have to tell even the irs about what happened with this money? >> nothing. >> stephen: well, trevor-- thanks for nothing. trevor potter, everybody. (cheers and applause) >> we'll be right back.
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cheerses plaus. >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. thank you so. nation, christmas may be 43
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days away but it is never too early to get your shopping done. in fact, i did mine in 1986. kids you're going to love your new tandy 102 portable computer now with spring loaded key. it's like your words are shouting at you. but with christmas right around the corner the secular scrooges have launched their latest blitzkrieg on grinchitude. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks for me christmas is all about tradition. trim the tree, wrap the presents, hang the stocks, untangle the light, wash my hands 17 times, retaej the lights and write a letter to santa asking for more ocd medication. folks one of the most
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cherished traditions of christmas is reading the classic twice the night before christmas. but now that's over. >> in this version of it was the night before christmas is getting some holidayer. >>, a visit from st. nicholas the jolly old elf kissed his pipe habit cold turkey. editing out two verses about smoking. >> the versus the pipe he held tight and the spoken circled his head like a wreath. >> stephen: santa can't quit smoking. he needs that vice. you try dealing with the stress of delivering the world's toys in a single night. we're lucky he's not doing a pa rum pum-pum bump off blitzen's ass. besides, secondhand smoke is how santa stunts those kids' growth. even worse, folks, a note from santa on the book back says his further is fake.
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how dare you paint santa as some kind of hippie dippie peta. he earned that fur by bagging himself an a bomb i hadable showman. folks, this political correctness must be stopped. sure, it starts with no smoking and fake fur. before you know it we're dissing high fat milk and cookies, living on kale chips and coconut water. mark my words santa is going to stop giving naughty kids coal and start giving them compact for es-- florescent bulbs because if they can take away santa's smoking they can take away all his bad habits. they will cut off his egg nothing, make him lose weight and no more saturday nights with his ho-ho-ho. --'s be right back. n9n9n9n9n9n9 xçññ@
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- [ background chatter ] - ♪ [ harp notes ] - i see a little silhouetto of a man. - scaramouche. scaramouche. will you do the fandango? oh. thunderbolt and lightning-- very, very frightening me. - galileo. - galileo. - galileo? - figaro. easy come, easy go. will you let me go? - bismillah, no. - [ together ] we will not let you go. - let me go. - we will not let you go! [ high operatic voice ] ♪ let me go ♪ [ rock ]
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is here to talk about his new documentary about the dust bowl. if he brings the grape, i'll bring the wrath. please welcome ken burns. (cheers and applause) hey, ken, good to see you. thanks so much for coming on. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: all right, we have a melange of documentaries. >> we do. >> stephen: let's see, oscar
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nominated-- nominated emmy award documentary, civil war, jazz, prohibition, two dualaries now, the central park 5 with your daughter and some you made, and that will be in theatres november 23rd. and the dust bowl which will air in two parts on november 19th and 18th, not in that order. >> that's right. >> stephen: on pbs. let's tuck about the dust bowl first. i hear a lot about the dust bowl, okay. how big of a deal was it? how big of a thing was it. >> this is the worst man-made ecological catastrophe in american history, a ten year apocalypse that not only killed crops and cattle but people's children as well. this was not just a handful of storms but hundreds of storms that would move dirt all the way from oklahoma and the panel panhandle of texas and kansas and colorado, new mexico all the way east, franklin roosevelt went like this and had oklahoma in his fingertips and the next day shipped at sea was covered with the patina of dust. one storm moved more dirt in one 24 hour period than it took to excavate the panama
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canal, ten years of excavation. >> stephen: okay, how do we know this is man-made, okay? the science is not in on the dust bowl. >> that's right. >> stephen: okay why is this man-made. >> this is man-made because this was natural grass land, buffalo grass, short grass that went five feet below the surface to hold the moisture and keep the topsoil against the ever present winds and arid semi desert climate. and when we tore up a section greater than the state of ohio, bigger than the all-important state of ohio, if blew. >> stephen: everything politics. >> everything politics. >> stephen: i have been to oklahoma, it's fines there, a beautiful place. >> it is a beautiful place. >> stephen: so it fixed itself. nature fixes itself it is all done. >> it took a lot of things to happen. the government comes in, they buy back some land. they replant grass lands they plant hundreds of millions of trees. they pay farmers not to grow for the first time. they tell them how to rotate their crops, how to plow better. >> stephen: this is just big
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government telling small business what to do. >> exactly. and this was a very independent area of the country that begged the government to come in and help them out of this. because at someone says in our film, when your back is up against the wall, ideology goes out the window and they invited the roosevelt administration in. and we would have said that oklahoma was a red state, it became a blue state for a long time and now it's a red state. >> stephen: well, actually the democrats are praying for another dust bowl to get it become ba. you have another documentary that you made with your daughter and some called the central park five. okay, that releases in theatres november 23rd. these are five kids who what, 1989. >> 1989. >> stephen: they confessed to a rape in central park. so they go into the park and they are fooling around with a lot of other kids. the cop as rest a few of them. they are going to release them to their parents and they discover this jogger brutally raped in another part of the park. they think these kids might have something to do with it. they call if a lot of kids but these kid had never been
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in trouble before, these five. and they didn't know about miranda. they didn't have their parents most of the time. and the cops interviewed them for 30 hours and said look, we know you didn't do t are you a good kid, but this guy ken is saying you did it, if you say he did we will let you go home. >> stephen: why would-- why would you say that. >> because you wanted to go home. 13 years later when they serve out the full sentences the real rapist came forward, admitted what he had done. the dna matched. they hadn't had a dna match. >> stephen: you have five kids, you know who confessed to a crime. what they supposed to do not throw them in jail. they confessed -- >> they immediately-- . >> stephen: how much does your liberal bleeding heart/ -- >> a juror held out for ten days but everybody was coping on him he's decide wanted to go home so then their convictions get vacated. robert morgen thal, the district attorney reinvestigates and says all these mistakes were made. if we knew then what we knew now we wouldn't even have charged them and the kids launch a civil suit against the city. >> stephen: they're suing. the kids are suing, $50 million a piece.
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>> that's right. the city is asking you for your notes and for your outtakes of your video. you won't give them to them. what are you hiding? >>. >> i don't think after ten years of stalling knowing that we did these interviews three years ago, knowing that we asked every six months for them, the cops and the prosecutors to come forward and be in our film and they refused, sometimes didn't honor us with the courtesy of a returned phone call all of a sudden we go to the can nes film festival and opening thee atically, suddenly they want our outtakes and notesment i don't think the government, and i thought, i was certain you would agree with this, that the government would want to intrude in the lives of the journalists or a filmmaker doing their job. and so we told them what they could do with their subpoena. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: all right. ken, thank you for being here. ken burns. the dust bowl,
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>> stephen: well, that's it
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for the show, everybody. and that's it for the super pac. we hope you've enjoyed it. it certainly shocked us. good night. (cheers and applause) from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. we have a good one for you tonight. my guest mike huckabee of the fox news program huckabee will be on the program. he's clearly landed in the right place for himself in terms of


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